Alzheimer's Disease -- The Front Row

Alzheimer's Reading Room

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·                        HOMESUNDAY, NOVEMBER 6, 2011

Knowing that the day is coming when your loved one -- won't know you-- is the most horrific feeling of them all for an Alzheimer's caregiver.

By Bob DeMarco
Alzheimer's Reading Room
September, 2010 

Are Alzheimer's Caregivers the Forgotten?

I often use the term "living Alzheimer's from the front row". This term describes caregivers that watch Alzheimer's take its course 24 hours a day, seven days a week.

Once Alzheimer's disease strikes, Alzheimer's caregivers get to witness the craziness that comes with Alzheimer's day in and day out.

If you think it is disconcerting to see someone suffering from Alzheimer's for a few hours, a few days, or a week, think about what it might be like -- for every hour of every day for years.

Most people give up trying to understand Alzheimer's disease. Why? Because Alzheimer's is difficult to think about. Most people sitting in the back rows don't want to think about Alzheimer's. It is too painful. They'll leave the thinking and doing to the person sitting in the front row. Feeling?

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On one hand, you have the person that has Alzheimer's disease; on the other hand, you have the person responsible for caring for that person -- the Alzheimer's caregiver.

The caregiver is responsible for the safety and care of the Alzheimer's sufferer. They are also responsible for their own emotional and psychological well being. A dual burden.

Alzheimer's kills the brain of the person suffering from Alzheimer's. It will also try and kill the brain of the Alzheimer's caregiver. I doubt that many people know or understand this burden. If they knew or understood they would move up a couple of rows. Get out of the back row -- maybe.

Did you ever sit in the back row at a play? Every sit in the front row at a play? The view is very different.

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Unless you are an Alzheimer's caregiver it is difficult to understand or comprehend what it is like living in the front row. The behavior. The illness. The death sentence. Why are their so many empty seats?

Until you sit in the front row you won't be able to comprehend what it is like living in the "front row".

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In the early days of caring the caregiver deals with a disease that is difficult, sometimes impossible, to understand.

Alzheimer's disease turns the world of the caregiver upside down. Imagine a person you know all or most of your life and their behavior changes-- suddenly -- and for the worse. This person, your loved one, begins to act out behaviors that you have never seen or experienced. You are forced to try and deal with these behaviors. It is not easy.

When a person hears something that is mean or nasty they usually react in anger. This is a normal behavior -- the "norm". Using these behaviors help you cope. This is the way you have been coping your entire life. No one wants to be treated harshly.

The typical Alzheimer's caregiver is bombarded with mean spirited behavior over and over. Since they are made of flesh and blood they often feel angry, frustrated, and sad when it happens. There is nothing wrong with these kinds of feelings.

When an Alzheimer's caregivers decides to strike back in the form of an argument, or an equally harsh behavior they soon learn that not only does this make matters worse, the Alzheimer's sufferer often goes into a shell.

Alzheimer's sufferers, as the disease progresses, lose the ability to forgive, apologize, or make-up. The words, actions and behaviors of the Alzheimer's sufferer are often a product of the disease, rarely a product of intentional thought.

Alzheimer's caregivers need to learn to understand that Alzheimer's behaviors are a product of the disease. The typical responses that caregivers have been making over the course of their life -- coping, the "norm" -- won't accomplish anything other than worsening the situation in Alzheimer's world. Caregivers need to work on new coping strategies, and developing new "norms" of behavior.

When Alzheimer's caregivers "fight back" they usually ends up suffering from another array of negative feelings -- guilt, blame, inadequacy, and the ultimate worst -- depression.

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Alzheimer's caregivers when pushed to the edge often feel like screaming.

Caregivers soon learn that this behavior won't work. Caregivers gradually come to the realization that this only makes matters worse -- much worse.

You cannot reason with a person suffering from Alzheimer's disease. They believe what they say to be true and nothing you say will can change it. It usually takes a long time before caregivers learn this lesson.

The lesson -- it is up to the caregiver to make the necessary changes. To change the dynamic. It's all on you caregiver. Sooner is better than later.